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EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY ESTABLISHING SHOT: Generic middle class house in Ohio. It's white with a
brick base. Not surprisingly, almost every house on the
block is the same design. Welcome to the suburbs.
PAUL
(Voice Over)
That's it. She never wants to see me
again.
SHANNON
(V.O., from scratchy
telephone speaker)
In the first place, you knew this was a
mistake. She was married. Besides,
things could be worse.
INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM - DAY Tracking Shot following dirty laundry on the floor, CD's,
and an acoustic guitar.
PAUL is on the phone, lying on his bed. PAUL is a guy in
his early twenties, a bit of a slacker with slightly long
hair, barely long enough for a pony tail, dressed, solely
in his boxers and a T-shirt.
SHANNON is a voice on the phone and never actually shown. The bed is NEVER made, and the sheets are a dark green. PAUL
Oh really ? How could it be worse ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
You could have gotten her.
PAUL pauses, then begins to see the irony and laughs. PAUL
You're right. You're right. This
relationship with Gretchen was like
that ride at Disney world, you know, Mr
Toad's Wild Ride. I went through
endless circles and it had ups and
downs. In the end all I got was the
sudden urge to vomit.
Paul stops for a moment PAUL
Do you remember when I bought Gretchen
a nice opal ring for Christmas this
year ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Yeah ?
PAUL
Then she got me a pair of shoes.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Yeah, so ?
PAUL
That was a sign that our whole
relationship was doomed. I am a
hopeless romantic and she was a
practical materialistic woman. She even
gave back the key.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
You mean the cheesy lock key that you
claim is symbolic of the key to your
heart.
PAUL
Stop making fun of me ! Most chicks
would love to have a guy that had an
ounce of the romanticism I have.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
At least now you have the right to sulk
and brood, as you so often do. Why not
use this depression for creativity ?
Use all this negativity into a
practical creative outlet.
PAUL
That would be great, but I have writers
block. I couldn't even write a Hanson
song now. I'm going to swear off dating
for a while. I can't stand this shit.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
That's too bad.
PAUL
Why ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
I have someone in mind who would be
perfect for you..... She just got
married a few.....
PAUL
Very funny. Very fuckin' funny. That's
cold. Funny, but cold hearted.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Just trying to keep everything in
perspective for you.
PAUL
Thanks a lot. I'm heading over to Jimmy
& Dana's.
PAUL hangs up the phone and starts to put on jeans over
the happy face boxers.
EXT. JIMMY & DANA'S HOUSE - DAY This is an old ranch built in the 40's or 50's with four
bedrooms and a finished basement. It's an old brick
look, with the entire neighborhood having been built in
the 1930's.
This is a standard campus style house where twenty
something's congregate on a regular basis. The post
college crowd has at least five to six people there at
any given time and everyone is friendly and laid back.
INT. JIMMY'S KITCHEN - DAY JIMMY, late twenties and VERY long hair, is hard at work
in the kitchen prepping food for the masses. DANA, a mid
twenties modern hippie with long blonde hair and a sun
flower demeanor, is helping with the cooking. Together
they are the consummate hosts.
DOUG, PAUL's brother is on the couch, remote in hand.
DOUG is in his early thirties with short hair and the
classic football Jersey and the like.
There is also ZANE, JIMMY & DANA's roommate who does not
leave the couch the entire duration of this epic story.
ZANE takes sloth to all new levels, he has short hair and
is in shape, but does not appear to ever leave the
mystical couch - EVER.
PAUL enters. JIMMY
(stirring something in a
bowl)
Hey Paulie, how goes it ?
PAUL
Greetings all. What's cookin' good
lookin' ?
JIMMY
I've got mushroom broth soup and..
PAUL
I meant Dana.
DANA
Hey Paul.
DOUG
Hey bro.
DANA
What's wrong ?
PAUL
Is is that obvious ?
DANA
Head hung low, unshaven, hair messed
up, general look of discomfort......
PAUL
Okay, okay, but my hair is NEVER messed
up.
DANA
So what's wrong ?
PAUL
You know that married girl I was seeing
for the past several months ?
JIMMY
Yeah ?
PAUL
(in shock)
She's not getting a divorce.
JIMMY
That's usually what that "Till Death Do
Us Part" section in the wedding was
for.
DANA
You know, adultery is like breaking
into some's house. Even if the door is
unlocked, that doesn't make it right.
PAUL
I know, but I really thought this was
it you know ? I said things to her, she
said things to me, it was special.
DOUG
As special as a woman can be.
PAUL
You don't get it man. I was in love.
DOUG
Love sucks. Love is an illusion that
two people buy into so they have an
excuse to copulate.
DANA
Paul, have you met our new roommate ?
This is Izabella.
From the living room enters IZABELLA a real hotty with
dark skin, dark eyes and a foreign accent. She's only
twenty one, but could pass for any age.
PAUL
Hi, how's it going ?
IZABELLA
It's nice to meet........
PAUL, oblivious to anyone but himself, cuts her off PAUL
Just what am I supposed to do now ?
INT. JIMMY & DANA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT The lights are low, candles are lit. About six people,
also known as the Inner Circle of the friends, are
gathered around on the couches and chairs in front of the
television. BOBBY, another hippie type is playing with a
candle.
We join them mid conversation, these are the
unintellectual philosophies being tossed about.
DOUG
Laundry Man ?
JIMMY
Yeah, you know a super hero. Get this,
Whenever you wake up late for work in
the morning and you haven't; got
anything to wear 'cause everything
needs to be washed......you scour the
drawers looking for clean
underwear..... DA DA DA AAA.....
Laundry Man arrives with a clean bag of
boxers.
BOBBY
That's pretty cool.
JIMMY
I even came up with his arch nemesis.
DANA
Who might that be ?
JIMMY
A giant radioactive sock that escaped
from the dryer and becomes really huge
and threatens the city.
DOUG
I don't know. I'm pretty scared of my
socks at the end of the day already.
Enter TOM. TOM is an average looking guy in his mid twenties. No one
here likes him much. Jimmy & Dana's welcome mat is open
to everyone, but this guy is annoying.
EVERYONE
Hey Tom.
TOM
Hey hey hey.
TOM goes straight for the fridge, without asking of
course. He emerges with a piece of cake.
DANA
Hey Tom, stay away from the cake !
Jimmy made that for my mom's birthday !
TOM
(with a mouthful of cake and
not very convincing)
Sorry. I was really hungry.
DANA
Shit.
JIMMY
Don't worry I'll make another one.
TOM
See, it's okay. He likes to cook
anyway. Did you tell them about your
Laundry Guy idea. It's the lamest thing
I've ever heard. What's on TV ?
There are sneers from everyone at TOM and is
presumptions.
PAUL
I need some mannequins.
Everyone stops. DANA
Ex-Cuse me ?
PAUL
I want a few mannequins.
DANA
I know your depressed and all, but sex
with a mannequin is not the answer.
IZABELLA
Sex with a mannequin ?
PAUL
It's not sexual. I just want two
mannequins. One boy & one girl.
DANA
What the hell for ?
PAUL
I want to set one up on her hands and
knees and put a sheet of glass over top
and make a coffee table.
IZABELLA
What's the other one for ?
PAUL
I'd dress him in the clothes I'm going
to wear the next day. You know, see how
it'll look.
TOM
I was wrong. That's the lamest fucking
thing I've ever heard.
INT JIMMY & DANA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT The windows are steamed up from the massive cooking. Jimmy is hunched over the stove creating a masterpiece of
the culinary arts.
TOM enters. TOM
Who's the new girl ?
JIMMY
That's Izabella, Todd's girlfriend.
TOM
She's pretty hot. You thinking of, you
know.... Cha Ching ?
JIMMY
What are you talking about ? I've been
with Dana for three years now.
TOM
That's exactly my point. Don't you need
a little somethin' somethin' ?
JIMMY
Hell no. I've got what I want.
INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING The room is dark, an clock radio alarm goes off, and a
hand from beneath many blankets reaches out and slams on
the snooze.
A horrible sight in the morning, Paul arises and
stretches.
EXT. CAR DRIVING - HIGHWAY - MORNING Amid all the chaos that is morning traffic is Paul in his
car.
He looks like a zombie behind the wheel, entering the
grind that is morning traffic.
INT. CAR - MORNING Paul has music blaring quite loudly. He sings along to
"Ain't Too Proud To Beg" by the Temptations.
EXT. OFFICE - DAY Paul exits his car and goes into the generic office
building.
INT. OFFICE - DAY Paul looks a little out of place with his longer hair and
unshaven appearance. There are many Non-Determined people
just walking to & for as often happens in an office.
NANCY, early thirties, with long curly hair, walks over
to Paul's desk.
NANCY
Hey Paulie, I honked at you like a
hundred times and you just ignored me.
How rude !
PAUL
Look, you've got to understand. When
I'm in my car, I've got to have my
music. I get into the "zone" and
there's no going back.
PAUL sits at his cube in a maze of cubes. Across from him
is your typical office cow named Kelly. Kelly is a large
woman in her mid thirties with a weight issue and never
ever smiles.
PAUL
Okay Kelly, trivia time. Did you have a
Barbie when you were little ?
KELLY
Did you get the 2nd quarter numbers
like I asked ?
PAUL
Yeah, sure I did. Now about this Barbie
thing.....
KELLY
How can this possibly be about work ?
PAUL
Just answer me, Is there anything in
your life but work ? Did you or did you
not have a Barbie ? Reaction time is a
factor.
KELLY
Yes, I had a Barbie.
PAUL
Did you ever buy a big G.I. Joe to go
with her ? I was discussing this with
my friends last night and I was shocked
to learn that most girls did not use
the Ken Doll as the boyfriend figure in
the Barbie scenario. This made perfect
sense to me.
Kelly just stares blankly. PAUL
I mean the Ken doll truly does
represent the "gay neighbor" or gay
best friend that anorexia blondes seem
to always have. Barbie is the
model/cheerleader type that craves a
real man, you know like G.I. Joe. G.I.
Joe, now there's a man's man. Ken is
more like a hairdresser who wants both
Barbie AND G.I. Joe.
Kelly just stares for a moment then walks away. PAUL
Don't hold back or anything. Repression
can be a good thing.
INT. DANA'S OFFICE - DAY Dana is hard at work in her cube going over receipts. She
wears glasses and is also banging way at the typewriter.
She looks up to see SHARON, late thirties and attractive,
flirting with two guys from accounts payable. After
laughing a little too much at their joke, she retreats
back over to Dana with a cat that ate the Canary smile.
SHARON
Oh my God, those boys are hot.
DANA
I hadn't noticed.
SHARON
Did you see that guy's ass ?
DANA
(still typing on the
calculator)
I hadn't noticed.
SHARON
Jesus marimba, it's like your already
married.
DANA
Well, I may not be married yet, but you
ARE.
SHARON
I'm married. I'm not dead.
Sharon starts to walk off. Dana rolls her eyes and gets
back to work.
INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT PAUL is lying on his bed, phone up against his head.
Shannon is the recipient of this discussion.
There is a copy of the book "The Making of 'Smilla's
Sense of Snow'" on the bed.
PAUL
The only redeeming part of my job is
the fact that I get so bored I noodle
out ideas on a scratch pad all day.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
You know what I just though of ?
PAUL
What ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Whatever happened to Ritchie
Cunningham's older brother on Happy
Days ?
PAUL
Older brother ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Yeah, in the first couple years,
Ritchie was always being compared to
his older brother, then suddenly he
just disappeared and was never
mentioned again.
PAUL
Holy shit, I remember that. What ever
happened to him ? Wait, I know. He
turned gay and moved to Canada & the
Cuningham's had to shun him.
A moment of pause for Rithcie Cuningham's older brother. SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
So, worker on any new songs lately ?
PAUL
No.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
I told you strike while the iron's hot.
You can't manifest depression like
being dumped.
PAUL
Hey thanks for the reminder. I almost
forgot.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Yeah right.
PAUL
I still can't write. I sit in front of
a piano and nothing happens. I'm going
over to Jimmy & Dana's. Wanna go ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
I can't. I've gotta work.
PAUL
Do you realize we haven't actually seen
each other in two and a half years, but
we talk on the phone once a day ?
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Well, you work days and I work nights.
It's not conducive to physical contact.
But look at it this way, it's like
having your own telepsychic without
paying $3.99 a minute.
PAUL
What a bargain. Talk to you later.
SHANNON
(V.O. from Phone)
Bye.
EXT. JIMMY & DANA'S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT PAUL rings the doorbell & waits patiently. The living
room is unlit and it appears that no one is home.
As Paul gets ready to leave, the front door opens.
Izabelle stands before him, looking as radiant as ever.
IZABELLA
Hello ?
PAUL
Hi, is Jimmy or Dana here ?
IZABELLA
No they all went out.
PAUL
Without me ? What ? Am I Tom now ? Did
I do something wrong to them ? I
thought I said thank you for the dinner
and all......
IZABELLA
You're Paul right ?
PAUL
Yeah.
IZABELLA
They tried to call, but the line was
busy for hours.
PAUL
Ahh. They are still great people aren't
they ? I mean they're so laid back I
have to check for a pulse. You have a
funny accent. Where are you from ?
IZABELLA
Brazil.
PAUL
Brazil ? How'd you end up here ? Going
to school ?
IZABELLA
No, no. Just trying to find work. Do
you know how to find the phone number
for immigration ? I don't want to keep
you from anything
PAUL
That's okay, apparently my plans are
shot.
INT. JIMMY & DANA'S KITCHEN - NIGHT PAUL is showing Izabella the phone book. It seems strange
to be in this room without something on the stove.
PAUL
Here it is. They keep all the rude
government workers grouped together in
the front of this book.
IZABELLA
Thank you. I like your necklace.
Izabella points to the necklace with a key on it around
Paul's neck.
PAUL
That ? That's the symbolic key to my
heart.
IZABELLA
Can I see it ?
PAUL
No ! That's like surrendering ! It
seems like whenever I just let some
girl see it, they want it, then I get
run over by a Mack truck.
INT. JIMMY & DANA'S KITCHEN - LATER After a few glasses of wine... PAUL
So I used to believe that when all
girls turned fourteen they would
receive a secret file on me.
IZABELLA
No you did not !
PAUL
Yeah, It's like a secret initiation and
all girls are given a file on me. I was
mean to this girl in Junior High and
then every time a girl gets dumped on
they refer to this file and go "A ha, I
can just make THIS guy pay for his
crimes !" Then I would pay for my
mistake the rest of my life. As a
matter of fact, did you get the file ?
IZABELLA
Of course. We're all out to get you
PAUL
I knew it.
IZABELLA
Actually I'm from the Brazilian secret
service.
PAUL
You probably want my hair care regiment
as well.
IZABELLA
Well.......
INT. PAUL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT We hear a phone number dialed. Paul has a phone to his ear & we hear it ringing on the
other end.
SHANNON
(V.O. from phone)
Hello ?
PAUL
(rapid fire delivery)
I met a girl from Brazil, do you
remember how I said that I never get to
meet anyone and when I do they all seem
the same and you said I should try to
either lower my standards or meet
someone from another place ? Well I met
a girl from Brazil and I really really
like her......
SHANNON
(V.O. from phone)
Wait, wait, wait. You met who ? from
where ? what ?
PAUL
I...met..a...girl...from....Brazil....
SHANNON
(V.O. from phone)
Yeah, I got that part. What about your
plans to sulk and lie around all
depressed ? And what about the infamous
Vaginal Embargo ?
PAUL
As much fun as that was going to be, I
think I'll opt for this. Besides, it
could still turn out bad. She could be
be a lesbian, or a murderer, a
disgruntled postal worker, or worse....
married.
SHANNON
(V.O. from phone)
Always the optimist.
PAUL
There is a major prob;em though.
SHANNON
(V.O. from phone)
I knew there would be with you.
PAUL
With her being a foreigner, she doesn't
seem to get most of my jokes.
SHANNON
What do you mean ?
PAUL
All my jokes are based on pop culture.
AMERICAN pop culture. Do you really
think she'll get it when I talk about
how Mork & Mindy was just a spin off
from Happy Days ?
SHANNON
I see your point.
PAUL
Or how nobody, and I mean NOBODY
watched Jonie Loves Chachi. That was
the worst show ever...
SHANNON
I got it.
PAUL
And how Tattoo on Fantasy Island...
SHANNON
Shut up. I'm sure you have more to you
than that encyclopedia of useless
information in you.
CUT TO: INT. JIMMY & DANA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT This is the next night. The usual suspects are lounging
about as Jimmy cooks it up in the kitchen. There is a new
face in the crowd though, Dana's boss, SHARON. SHARON is
a late 30's business class woman with a very short skirt.
SHARON
Oh Dana, you were right, Jimmy CAN
really cook. This lasagna is orgasmic !
JIMMY
Uh, thanks.
DOUG
What's the worst date you've ever had ?
PAUL
Do you have all night ?
DANA
I'll tell you my worst date experience.
I was dating this guy for a few
months.......
INT. APT. BEDROOM - MORNING (FLASHBACK) This is a flashback. From three or four years prior. DANA is in bed wearing a T-Shirt & boxers. The BOYFRIEND
enters the room from the bathroom. He gets on the bed
where she is.
DANA
(V.O.)
One morning, he came out of the
bathroom and he had a booger right
there on his nose. I didn't have the
heart to tell him. Then he tried to
kiss me.
The BOYFRIEND tried to kiss her & she resists.
DOUG
What did you do ?
DANA
I screamed, then he chased me around
the apartment. He thought I was playing
hard to get.
DANA runs around the room trying to get away from
BOYFRIEND.
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